5 Reasons Why Bachelorette Parties are the WORST

Earlier on the Rocker Morning Show, Mike and I were talking about a new survey regarding bachelor/bachelorette parties and that got us on a tangent about typical bachelorette parties; the penis straws, the stupid games, the “Last Chance” sashes… and my unfortunate run-in with a stripper (yep! The cliche "hot cop" showed up and pulled out all of his moves on a very unsuspecting Stefani).

So why?  Why do I hate bachelorette parties so much?  I'm glad you asked!

1. Every Party Favor is Penis Shaped: Straws, shot glasses, battery-powered light-up "I'm With the Bachelorette Party" pins - everything at a bachelorette party has to be penis shaped because, apparently, a giggling 12-year-old at a slumber party came up with this idea.  No, I am not carrying around a pink "yard of ale" shaped like a willy.  No, I am not doing as shot called a "blow job" out of a plonker shaped plastic shot glass.  No, I will not wear a candy necklace made of gummy danglers.  I'm 33.  I'll pass.
2. Bachelorette Party Games
   1. Pin the Penis on the Hunk - No thank you (and who says "hunk" anymore?). I'm also convinced that all of the "hunk" games were made in 1974 because they all feature a guy who looks awkwardly out of date.
   2. Bachelorette Party Truth or Dare; you are given a bingo-card-type score sheet with a list of tasks like kiss a stranger, dance on the bar, or let someone in the bar grope you.  Whoever crosses everything off their list wins... something... usually penis shaped.  Good trade for your dignity.
   3. "How Well Do You Know the Bride" - look, if I didn't know her, I wouldn't have paid an ungodly amount of money to go to this stupid party, m'kay? Which brings me to...
3. The Cost: Between limo service, drinks at bar A, dinner, drinks at bar B, cover at the club, and drinks at the club, you're probably out about $250.  And that's on top of what you're paying to attend the wedding... and what you bought the lucky couple for their shower... and how much you spent on a bridesmaid's dress you're never going to wear ever again...
4. Strippers: Dude.  Put it away.
5. The Costumes: It isn't enough, anymore, to simply attend a bachelorette party.  These days there's a dress code;
   1. "The theme is 'Little Black Dresses,' Ladies!" - if you don't own one, you have to buy one.
   2. "Angela's favorite color is purple, so make sure you're wearing something purple!" - hate purple?  Who cares?  It's not your party.
   3. "Becky's favorite movie is Wizard of Oz, so wear ruby slippers!" - which means you have to either hope to find a cheap pair of ruby slippers at a Halloween store or make them yourself.  Have a pair of flats you don't mind ruining with red glitter and hot glue?  Perfect!
   4. Add to that the name tag you're told to wear that identifies you as part of the party, the sash indicating you're a bridesmaid, the aforementioned penis shot glass necklace, and a tiara that says something ridiculous like "bitch" or "flirt".

I am SO glad that most of my friends have opted for non-traditional bachelorette parties; Kristin's was at a White Sox game, Leslie's was at a Chicago loft with comedians, Dana's was a Wine and Canvas type thing at her house.  No d*cks.  No dares.  No drama.