Dear Aubree's Pizzeria and Grill in Kalamazoo,

As you know, from your thoughtful "free dessert" coupon you emailed me, tomorrow is my birthday, and although I am saving my pennies, I decided to treat myself to a birthday lunch with you. I mean, it's my birthday, after all, and nothing sounds more enjoyable than your Roasted Chicken Thighs. So, justification firmly in place, I head on over to your Gull Road location, salivating with anticipation. I'm greeted by friendly staff and shown to my table. What's this? A new menu? Oooh, new lunch options, and a new dessert. Aubree's, you fancy. Now where, oh where, are my Roasted Chicken Thighs? Curios. I don't see them in their usual home under "Signature Entrees". I inquire into the whereabouts of my favorite menu item, as it must be lost somewhere in the new menu layout. Reluctantly, as though bracing for impact, my server informed me that, like the Dodo, my Roasted Chicken Thighs no longer exist.

I sat in stunned silence for what seemed like an eternity while my server helpfully pointed out the newest culinary fare, her words indecipherable din, clinging cheerfully, if not nervously, to the air. She recommended the salmon. I acquiesced, my head still spinning in disbelief.

I don't ask for much. I really don't. There are very few things in my world that give me a reason to be alive. The laughter of children, a warm breeze on my cheek, and Aubree's Roasted Chicken Thighs. Served up hot and juicy on a bed of cauliflower mash with shaved Brussell sprouts, it is satisfying comfort food, and the reason you have my patronage. I am betrayed. 99% of this world has darkened my soul with disappointment, leaving me a jaded shell of a human being. WHY must you deal me the final blow, Aubree's? And on my birthday, no less...

Don't try to shove Coconut Grove Chicken down my throat, I am simply not ready to "try new things" to make this relationship work. You can't just blindside me by telling me the whole reason we got together in the first place is something you can't do anymore. I mean, yes, change happens, I get that. But it's like I don't even know you. And I'm not going to beg. I'm not going to prostrate myself and plead for it's return. A half-felt promise of a "limited time" offer in the future would only serve to placate my broken, hungry heart.

I'm not trying to throw this in your face, Aubree's, but I got an email from Shmapplebee's a few days ago urging me to spend my birthday with them (coupon for 10% off dine-in only, alcohol excluded), and I'm thinking about it.

 

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