Great Moments in Facebook History: February 24, 2014

Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Monday, February 24th, 2014:

• If you won the lottery tweet me your name and address.  I want to send you a congratulations card...
• I have decided to leave my past behind me.  So if I owe you money, I'm sorry, but I've moved on.
• May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
• Hilarious how I can't wake up Monday to Friday, but on weekends have insomnia so bad I can hear an ant cough in the back yard.
• Save 100% on your next cocaine purchase when you shout promo code, "I'M A COP!"
• I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
• Anyone know where to get imported deodorant? Didn't know there was a difference but these girls say they prefer guys with BritishAXEscents
• Wouldn't it be awesome if a person had a Carfax to show before you commit to a relationship?
• Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

(Found on Status Stalker, Funny Status, and Failbook)