Great Moments in Facebook History: July 29, 2016

Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I scour the interwebs to find the best (and worst) thoughts floating around social media. Without further ado…

Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Friday, July 28th, 2016:

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.
It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.
It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name.