Great Moments in Facebook History: July 31, 2015

Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I scour the interwebs to find the best (and worst) thoughts floating around social media. Without further ado…

Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Friday, July 31, 2015:

Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
My favorite competitive sport is never texting first.
I'm so Canadian I say 'thanks' to automatic flush toilets
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.
(M. P. Martin) I need everyone to stop caring about Cecil the lion, drones in Somalia, and the baby parts black market. There is a far more pressing concern developing ... I have a canker sore on the bottom of my tongue. You guys, it hurts to eat!
(John K.) Sarcasm? Real mature.