Great Moments in Facebook History: July 9, 2014

Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Wednesday, July 9th, 2014:

• How many goals did the Germans score? A Brazilian!
• I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.
• Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
• Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
• I had a girlfriend that left me because I’m so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
• There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
• Hostage or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be held.
• I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.
• (HR meeting at work) first of all, I said I wanna be in Cheryl's POSSE, but yes, I did say it was tight

(Found on Status Stalker, Funny Status, and Failbook)