Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Wednesday, July 9th, 2014:

  • How many goals did the Germans score? A Brazilian!
  • I copied my bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.
  • Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
  • Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
  • I had a girlfriend that left me because I’m so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
  • There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
  • Hostage or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be held.
  • I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.
  • (HR meeting at work) first of all, I said I wanna be in Cheryl's POSSE, but yes, I did say it was tight