Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Wednesday, June 11th, 2014:

  • I wasn't even going for broke. But I got it!
  • The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
  • I love how my calendar assumes when I add an 8:00 event, it's AM. Google thinks I've got my life together.
  • The cashier told me “Strip down, facing me.” How was I to know she meant my debit card?
  • I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
  • I think on my deathbed I'll tell everyone "pray for me". Then I'll give them an envelope to be opened after die with a note inside that says "Pray harder next time."
  • A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
  • Nicknames are WAY more fun when people don’t know they have them
  • You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
  • Marriage tip: Don't
  • I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
  • It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.