Here are the BEST Great Moments in Facebook History for today, Monday, June 30th, 2014:

  • If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
  • I carry a backpack full of receipts and gum wrappers and go through it while I'm at a cashier until someone who's frustrated pays for me.
  • "Make it rain" is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
  • I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
  • Who named Trojan Condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open an and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyones day.
  • I like to start every phone conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so we don't waste time.
  • The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
  • People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius