That Time I Peed Myself

My senior year of college, my buddy Tim and my roommate Bryan joined me for a night of (heavy) drinking at Boomerangs.

I remember walking in and going right up to the bar and ordering a shot of Jager and a beer.  Bryan wasn't a heavy drinker, so Tim and I could always rely on him to drive our drunk asses home.

Now, I don't remember being passed out and puking on myself (which is why it's odd that I ended up eventually pissing myself). But somehow, I managed to put on my pajama pants when I got home, which meant I couldn't have been tanked — and that makes this story so pathetic.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to use the bathroom, and in the mist of peeing, I noticed that my pajama pants were really wet.

Halfway through my tinkle, it finally hit me: "Holy crap, I pissed myself!"

I ran into my bedroom to assess the situation…and yup, my bed is covered in piss.  I change out of my pajama pants, probably put on a new pair — or at least a clean pair of boxers — tossed a towel on my bed to soak up the mess, and slept the remainder of the night on the futon.

The following morning, Bryan walked into the the living room and noticed me sleeping on the futon.

Let me tell you something about Bryan, he's pretty conservative.  Not a "no-fun" conservative, but more "I can control my bladder and frown upon those you can't" conservative.

Anyway, Bryan looked at me, and inquired why I'm sleeping on the futon.

"Dude, I pissed myself last night."

With the straightest face ever, Bryan looked at me, shook his head in disapproval and walked back to his bedroom.

I remember when I was a kid, probably about 11 or 12, my mom took my sister and me on a cruise, and that evening at dinner I drank a ton of water and didn't pee before going to bed. Well, that night I wet myself.  It was probably a combination of having consumed a ton of water and the rocking boat, but ever since then, I vowed that I would always go to the bathroom before going to bed, just in case.

Now, I must have peed before going to bed that evening, because when you're drunk, you pee every 10 minutes.  Obviously I didn't pee enough that night.

So, there it is.  You've now read about the times I crapped myself and peed my pants. And my wife still has sex with me, which is the crazy thing!