They say, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Well, the only thing staying in Las Vegas is my money.

My cousin Barry loves Las Vegas, like, he goes four or five times a year. One year, he took his wife and son to Vegas, stayed a week, flew back to Toronto, dropped his kid off, and then took his wife back to Vegas for another week. So, if I'm going to visit Las Vegas, I have to visit with cousin Barry (who I drunkenly love to call cousin Larry).

Barry had been planning a trip to Vegas for a few months to celebrate our cousin Robert's 21st birthday (who in actuality, has been 21 for almost a year now).

This trip wasn't a "hook up with as many girls as I can, high on Molly" type of trip. This was a "if I don't get away from reality for a week, I'm going to be committed" type of trip, and truth be told, if I hadn't taken this trip, I'd be in a padded white room now trying to suck on my own toes.

Let me tell you something about fabulous Las Vegas: it's expensive as hell, and filled with beautiful women. I mean, everywhere you look, there's a group of drop-dead-gorgeous women, all with gigantic fake boobs. I'm surprised that I didn't slip on the puddles of drool I was producing...

WHERE TO EAT

Not only is Vegas filled with gorgeous women, but it also has some of the best food I've ever eaten. That's where the expensive part comes in.

Two of the more memorable places I ate at were Hakkasan, an Asian bistro in the MGM Grand, and Spago, a Wolfgang Puck restaurant in Caesar's Palace. The chicken dish I had at Spago was hands-down the best dish I've ever eaten in my life. Ever. According to the chef, the chicken they use is only a day or two old (dead). The skin was crispy and the meat was insanely juicy. From this point forward, every piece of chicken I eat will be compared to that dish I had at Spago.

One of the places I checked out was Brad Garrett's Comedy Club in the MGM Grand, where Brad Garrett himself made an unimpressive appearance. Seriously, his stand up, if that's what you call it, is not funny. He tried to roast the audience by making racist jokes, and again, they weren't funny. Lucky for us, Bob Zany was headlining that night, and he was incredible. I may actually steal some of his material. Hey, like Mike McKelly says, "Amateurs borrow, professionals steal."

GET BOTTLE SERVICE

Now, let's revisit the expensive part of Vegas: A bottle of domestic beer is on average $9 — and they hit you with 8% tax and 18% gratuity. Example: at the comedy club, Rob and Barry's friend James both ordered $12 cocktails. The two combined drinks were not $24. With all the added fees, it cost them $32 for two freaking drinks!

One trick Barry taught us was to get bottle service. He booked a VIP bottle service table on Vegas.com for cheap (all things considered). For a bottle of vodka and a bottle of champagne, it cost us about $350. Before you go into cardiac arrest, allow me to explain why this isn't a bad option.

It's going to cost you about $25 to get into a club in Vegas, and if the club is hoppin' that night, you'll have to wait in line to get in, wait in line to get drinks, and not sit at one of the sweet VIP tables. Plus, you'll have to spend $15-20 on drinks. So if the average drink cost you $20, and you have three, that's $60 plus the $25 cover charge. For that price, we got front of the line access, a private table with a private waitress (super hot) and private security guard to keep all the heathens away, and two bottles of booze. So really, when you break the cost down, for Vegas, it isn't that bad.

WHERE TO PARTY

One of the clubs we checked out was Chateau, which is about three stories above the Paris hotel, right underneath the Eiffel Tower. This is where we got our bottle service. I'm not much of a club person, but being outside, under the Eiffel Tower, with a great view of the Vegas strip in our VIP seating, was pretty out of this world. Oh yeah, it was also filled with smoking-hot girls. Again, I couldn't talk to any of them because I was too busy drooling all over myself.

The girls at Chateau were beautiful, but the girls at Drai's (located in the Cromwell) were all dimes. Like, I was running to and from the bathroom all night, and it wasn't from drinking too much. So if you're a dude and want to see some really attractive, scantily-clad women, check out Drai's.

RAMONE'S UNEXPECTED SURPRISE

You know what else Vegas has? KISS MINI GOLF!!!!!! Filled with rare Kiss memorabilia, Kiss Mini Golf is an inexpensive and fun way to kill an hour or two in Las Vegas. Kiss Mini Golf is across the street from the Hard Rock, so when you're done playing mini golf, you can run across the street and check out the Hard Rock.

You don't have to drop a ton of money while in Vegas. Not all the restaurants cost $50+ a plate, and you can find beer for less than $9. The point is, we live in southwest Michigan, and while we have great restaurants, the places in Vegas blow ours out of the water. So when you're in Vegas, you can either eat at Hooters, or you try a place like Spago that you wouldn't usually try.

Oh, and one more thing; Vegas in July is HOT! Like, 105 degrees everyday hot. But, it does cool down to a very comfortable 89 degrees at night...

I'll tell you this: I'll take 105 and sunny over 85 and humid any day.

So there you have it, my idiot's guide to Sin City. I want to thank my cousins Barry and Rob and Barry's friend James, for showing me an incredible time, and finally, I want to thank my mother.  If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to afford this.  Thanks, mom for always having my best interest at heart.