Weird Tales of Ramone – The Wax Job
Imagine for a moment that you're laying on a table with five people looking down at you. Oh, and you don't have any pants on. And imagine, if you will, that while you're laying on said table with five people looking down at you with your pants down that one of them has a wooden stick loaded up with hot wax. Hot wax that's about to get slathered on your pubes. Welcome to the world of the intern. Welcome to my world.
As many of you know, my first job at WRKR was as the Rocker Morning Show intern (AKA: Rocker Morning Show bitch). This was during the summer of 2006, back when the Rocker Morning Show was Mike, Diane and Warren Kluck. Well, one afternoon I get a phone call from Diane, and Diane has this devilish giggle in her voice. Apparently they had done a story about men getting their pubic hair waxed (also known as the "Brazilian") and they thought it would be a good idea to have their intern/bitch (me) receive one of these "popular male trends". Now, while Diane is devilishly laughing over the phone, she keeps reminding me that this wasn't her idea, it was Warren's. I didn't care who's idea it was, I didn't like it, but being the good sport that I am, I knew the comedic value it would hold, so like it or not, I was getting waxed.
One morning I met Warren, Diane, and sales guy Chris Jager at Blondie's Salon, located just off Western Michigan's campus on Howard and West Michigan (across the street from Video Hits Plus and the Den, next to Maggie's). If my memory is correct, I was the first one there, and had to tell the ladies at the front desk what I was getting myself into. I don't remember their exact reaction (maybe because I was scared sh*tless), but I'm sure it was a combination of feeling bad for me and thinking this was going to be one funny-ass radio stunt.
Shortly after my arrival, Warren, Diane, and Chris show up, and I'm introduced to the owner of Blondie's. I'm taken upstairs to their second level where they make women look pretty, by ripping away their pubic hair. I'm led into a room with two tables; one was a big padded table (similar to one you would see in the examination room of a Doctor's office) in the middle, and a smaller table in the corner. The smaller one had a crock pot with hot wax brewing in it. I think the owner of the salon felt bad for me, because she gave me a bottle of numbing spray and told me to go into the bathroom and spray it on my pubes. Of course, Warren objected, but I did it anyways. Now, I wasn't getting the pubes on my balls waxed, just the pubes above my schmeckle.
After I sprayed on the numbing spray, I was told to take my pants and shirt off. I think removing the shirt was to insure I didn't accidentally get any wax on it. Pantsless and shirtless, I hop on the waxing table. I'm not completely naked; I have on a wife beater and my boxers, which are rolled down to just the top of my junk. So, I'm on the table, and of course, there's no privacy, because Diane, Warren (with tape recorder in hand), Chris, the owner, and the waxer are all in the room with me. Now, the first thing the waxer does is take an electric razor and shave my pubes down so she's pulling at little hairs, and not the 7-inchers I was sporting. Then she pulls out a giant wooden stick, similar to a tongue depressor, and sticks it in the crock pot; the crock pot filled with hot wax. This wax was thick and white, similar to frosting. This particular waxing was different than the wax one is probably used to; instead of putting the yellow wax down and applying paper over it to pry the hairs away, she lathers this hot, frosting type wax onto my pubes and gives it a minute to dry. I become nervous and my body starts to quiver. This stuff is hot, and I'm freaking out because I know what's in store for me. The way this wax works is that it dries for a minute, and then the waxer takes a dried piece of wax, places it over the wax on my pubes, and RIIIIIP!
I yell (obscenities), everyone laughs and Warren captures all of this on tape. I look down and there's a nice little strip of hair missing. "No more I cry!" but my pleas went unheard, because the waxer took another large glob of wax frosting and lathered it on my pubes. A minute later, and more obscenities yelled, I was missing more hair. This went on for about a half an hour or so, and I'll be completely honest with you, it hurt like a sonuva bitch! It hurt so bad, and I yelled so loud, that people in the salon actually starting peeking into the room to make sure nobody was being murdered. "Is everything ok?" these people would ask. No, everything was not ok! I was laying half naked on an examination table with blood trickling out of the pores where pubic hair once resided.
Finally, after about a half an hour, the waxer lathers on the last bit of wax, and Warren proclaims that he wants a go at it. This scared the sh*t out of me, because Warren didn't know what the hell he was doing, and I was afraid this would hurt the most. Oddly enough, when Warren took over, the numbing spray finally kicked in, and the last bit of hair taken wasn't as bad as the rest. There was still a decent amount of hair left when Warren was done with his pull, but everyone decided I had had enough, and they were done. Now, I wasn't completely hairless. The only way to describe what was left of my pubes is "bat wing". Yup, it looked like there was a bat wing directly over my junk. But believe me, bat wing or not, there was still a lot of hair missing!
So the waxer puts some lotion over my newly waxed area, and tells me to exfoliate so I don't get ingrown hairs. The area between my waist line and wiener was so tender, I couldn't button my pants; I had to zip up and put my belt on loose enough so I wasn't applying too much pressure on my newly hairless area, while keeping my pants on at the same time. Luckily for me, I lived close by, so I didn't have long to drive before I could pass out in my apartment.
The next day I show up at the station, now proud of my newly hairless area, and proceeded to show everyone in the building, well almost everyone. Mike McKelly wouldn't look. I'm not sure if Warren had the audio ready to go the follow day, or a few days later, but I'll tell you what, a little pain at my expense, and this stunt went down in Rocker Morning Show history. For those of you who have stuck around for the past 8 years, I'm sure you haven't forgotten. Lord knows I haven't...
Below is the audio that played on the air after my waxing. Enjoy, you sick freaks.