An Open Letter to the Tire Slashers

For those of you lucky enough to have not parked your car in a downtown Kalamazoo parking garage over the weekend, you might not know about three little sh*ts that decided it would be fine Halloween fun to slash some tires.  Ten cars were targeted; thousands of dollars in damages.

Attention you Shenaniganizers - you Tom Fools, you.  Wow.  You sure showed those tires who's boss, huh?  Where was the thrill for you, exactly?  Was it in the moment you stuck the blade in the tire?  Was it the satisfying hiss afterward, as you watched the sides of the car sink?  Was it the idea that you absolutely ruined someone's night?

I'll tell you what my thrill is... my thrill is that authorities have CLEAR surveillance photos of each and every one of you.  (Props to the chick who looked directly at the camera in the elevator - that was my personal favorite).  Its only a matter of time before you get caught.  You will make a mistake.  You will tell the wrong person. You might even post a selfie on social media. And then before you know it, finely dressed officers will come knock-knock-knocking to ask you a few questions about where you were and what you were up to in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

And DON'T give me crap about "It's Devil's Night... we're just kids being kids."  Grow up. Grow. Up.  If one of you can grow a hipster mustache, you're all too old for this. Take the time and energy you spent hatching your brilliant tire-slashing plan and dedicate it to something else.  Take up a craft!  I hear macrame is going to make a HUGE comeback. Or, if a craft isn't your kind of thing, maybe get a job.  Or, if a job doesn't trip your trigger, why not take some time to research just how much a set of tires costs.

Look, before the three of you start rolling your eyes and mocking the tone of this message, hear this; start making better choices. Now.  Choose better friends.  Choose better things to do with those idle little hands of yours. If you don't, you are going to wake up fifteen years from now on a dirty couch in someone's basement wondering where it all went wrong. Do you know how I know?  Because I used to run with a sh*tty little crowd for a time, too.  I watched them f*ck up - all the time laughing about ditching school and selling what they shoplifted because getting a job was lame.  Do you know what they're doing right now?  Jail time and heroin. That's what bad choices gets you.

Think about it. Be smarter, be kinder, be better than you have been.  Start now.