The Crock Pot Chili Fiasco

People often ask me, "Ramone, when you're not on the air, what are you doing?"

Well, usually I'm preparing for my next break, whether it's a fart or wiener joke, or getting info on a big rock story.  And when I'm not doing that, I'm on Facebook or YouTube.  And when I'm not doing that, I'm browsing the internet.

Wednesday afternoon I was browsing the 'ol interweb looking for some good crock pot recipes to make for Thursday.  During my Google searching, I came across (what looked like) a killer recipe for crock pot chili.  I was so excited that after work I ran to Meijer to gather all the ingredients for what was going to be the greatest chili ever consumed in my house.  I even started preparing the night before by combining all the necessary spices.  "This chili is going to win awards!" I told myself.  Boy was I wrong...

The recipe I found gave instructions for stove top and crock pot cooking.  Since I was going to do this in the crock pot, I didn't feel it necessary to brown the meat; if the chili was going to cook for 8-10 hours, I didn't want to dry out the meat, so I was just going to toss two pounds of meat in the crock pot, assuming it would break apart nicely.  If you look up  "assumption" in the dictionary, it gives the follow definition; assumption: the mother of all f*ck ups.

Thursday morning after breakfast, I put two pounds of meat in the pot, and then added the bottle of tomato juice that was required.  Now, it was time for tomato sauce, beans and spices.  That's when I noticed that our can opener was missing.  You see, our can opener got wet and stopped working properly, so Jamie threw it away, and I completely forgot about that.  I needed a can opener but couldn't just run to the store to buy one; I had to get to work.  So, I started cooking the meat in the tomato juice and after work I would run to the store to buy a can opener.  I figured, "it's the meat that's important, it won't be that big of a deal if I add the canned goods later."  Wrong!

After crock potting for about five and half hours, I added the rest of the ingredients.  About two or three hours after that I gave it a good stir, and that's when I noticed my chili had the constancy of tomato soup.  Sh*t.

A few more hours of simmering and stirring, and the only thing I got was thin, tomato soup filled with beans, veggies, and chunks of meat.  The meat didn't break apart like I "assumed" it would either.  $25 worth of food and ten hours of work down the drain.  I couldn't even get the dog to eat it.  Absolutely no flavor.  The only thing that saved the meal were the cheddar biscuits I made (from a box, by the way).

And that my loyal readers, is why Uncle Ramone doesn't cook.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink the anti-freeze in the garage.