Poop In A Box – Available On Store Shelves Now
If you know somebody who drives a light colored Ford Escape and enjoys pooping in public - specifically in boxes, please call the police because you may be able to help them.
Police in Van Buren Township are knee deep in Poo trying to figure who entered a Meijer Store on Bellville Rd this past Thursday with a mission to relieve himself in a most unusual way. Keep in mind when we say relieve himself, we don't mean the stand up kind of relief either. Nope, we're talking the full on number two variety.
Relief in a most bizarre way:
Here's what happened. A man entered the Meijer store around 3:30 in the afternoon. Located an empty box on a shelf inside the store. Defecated in said box, resealed it and placed it back on the shelf. He then exited the store and climbed into a light colored Ford Escape and drove off.
Now as a man I've been proud of some my finely sculpted excrement in the past. Hell, I even thought I saw the face of Abe Lincoln on one of my logs one time but no way in hell am I displaying my work by deucing in public, let alone sealing it in a box for others to stumble upon. That's just plain, well...mean. WHO DOES THAT??
Police have few clues other than the video surveillance, so nobody's been arrested yet. Police are also stuck on what to name the suspect in this caper.
Some suggested names include:
The Deuce Box Zero
Poop Box Stuffer
The S**t Happens Crook
The Great Pooper Shelf Scooper
They all pretty much stink so if you can come up with something better help them out. In the meantime, keep a close eye on anyone you know with a light colored Ford Escape with a penchant for public display when defecating.