Dear Cary Elwes, You Ruined Me

Look, Cary. I'm going to level with you. Like many women my age, Princess Bride was a huge part of my childhood. The cast was sublime. Expert comic timing kissed an already witty script. The whole movie was romantic and fantastic perfection. And while I gave a quick nod to the cast, it should be said that no other actor in the world could have pulled off Wesley like you, Cary Elwes. Both sincere and sarcastic, delivering every line with a twinkle in your eye, you effortlessly created one of the most charming, charismatic, and courageous leading men in history.

Errol Flynn, eat your heart out.

So why would I give such a glowing review and say you "ruined me"?

Well, between Wesley in Princess Bride and Robin in Robin Hood: Men in Tights you stole my heart. I developed certain criteria to apply to the men my future self would date.  (Please remember I was 5 when Princess Bride debuted, and 11 when Men in Tights hit theaters.) I expected to meet a dashing, witty, swordsman who was also a great archer. Someone who had no interest in saving a damsel in distress, but would do so if called upon, and with gusto. A man who would do what was right even if that meant making enemies.

I also wanted to grow up and be the Childlike Empress from Neverending Story. (You can imagine how much of a disappointment my life has been).

The only thing I could hope for was to discover later in life that you were a complete douche bag.  At least then I could reason that the fictional swashbuckler of my dreams doesn't exist.  But then you come on my show (for the third time) to talk about your book, and you are nothing but a charming, witty, humble gentleman. That does it... thank you, Cary, for setting the standards bar so impossibly high that the best I have to hope for is "settling." My romantic life will, more-or-less, be forever "to the pain."